As I spend more time here in India I realize more and more than everyone has a role, and they are expected to fill that role. Here is an example:
The other day I went to go buy tires for our vehicle. This is the third set of tires on this car, including the originals. I went to the shop with one of our staff, Edward. I chose the tires I wanted and paid with my credit card. We were then directed to the installation shop about half a mile away.
During the whole selection process, I was not allowed to touch any of the tires since that is not part of my role. My role, as determined by the shopkeeper and others around me, is that of ‘wealthy foreign customer’. They had two of those three words right, but the one they got wrong pegged me into my role of not touching tires. Someone else would need to do that for me. Wealthy people generally don’t get dirty.
When we got to the installation shop a similar experience awaited me. I was ushered in and immediately introduced to the head guy of the shop, likely the owner. He was an older man sitting behind a basic desk right out in the workshop area. Edward, began milling around the workers in the shop making sure they knew we were there and what needed to be done on our vehicle.
After several attempts they finally ushered me into the owner’s office and promptly switched on the air conditioner to make me comfortable. My role, according to their expectation, was to sit in comfort, likely talking on my cell phone to important people, rather than be out in the dirty tire shop watching all that was going on.
Now part of this whole role expectation thing can be very annoying to me. In this case, I love doing things mechanical and would consider myself reasonably well-versed with tools and such. I love the back and forth between guys who know their way around a car, how to handle a tool or how to get the job done in a workshop. In this case, my role does not allow that. They would not know what to do with me if I started behaving that way, so I do my best to play my role and not upset the system.
As I watched out of the corner of my eye what was going on I saw several things that needed doing or needed attention. Rather than go tell the workers directly, my role is to tell Edward and let him deal with it. That is his role.
After all the work was done to my satisfaction, albeit having taken the indirect route through Edward in each case, I then went and thanked the owner of the shop with a nod and a handshake. Our transaction was done, and we both were satisfied. The nod and handshake completed our roles toward each other, for today at least.
This idea of roles gets me thinking about how we ‘peg’ someone shortly after meeting them. We determine with such ease what to expect from them and how we will treat them. Unfortunately we are often wrong. The guys in the tire shop were wrong to assume I knew nothing about replacing tires on a car. I have been wrong about lots of people over the years.
So why do we keep doing this? Why do we assign roles to people based on very little information?
In some ways it helps us makes sense of our world. It gives us order. But it is also a dangerous practice to get into. Mainly because we can, and are, wrong so often. We also miss out on the opportunity to learn new things when we do this.
Imagine the surprise on the tire-shop guys’ faces when they realize I know a thing or two about a workshop. Could that not have changed their perspective about themselves in some way? Could that not have given them some hope in some way to see that here is a guy who knows how to do what we do, and look at him now? Maybe we could be like that someday. Could I not have learned a thing or two about their world in the process? And yet our roles, though self imposed, stop us from doing this.
I will admit to sometimes intentionally breaking the rules of the role. I call it ‘playing the foreigner card’, like a trump card of sorts. You can plead ignorance as a foreigner and be forgiven for your trespasses. You do have to choose when and how often to play that card though, or else it loses its value and effectiveness.
Has there been a time when you were wrongly ‘pegged’ into a role you didn’t like? Or when you ‘pegged’ someone into a role that you later realized was way off? What was the outcome? How would you handle the situation differently? Are you playing a role someone else determined for you? Or are you living your own role?
